Wintergreen
by Evilism
Summary: Welcome to the Cliches Compendium. I've covered everything, from Mary Sues to Crossovers. Rated for outrageously mushy, tragic and cliched scenes.
1. Default Chapter

**A/N: **Welcome to the Clichés Compendium! The Artemis Fowl fandom is just _bursting_ with wonderful, ingenious tales that have left me…should I say, _awestruck_? . That has prompted me to do a little contribution of my own – hence this compilation of recycled plots. In fact, one of the stories featured is a parody of my own fic (Artemis Fowl: Muggle No More).

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. If this story resembles yours in any way, any way at all, then I am truly sorry. Otherwise, have fun!

**Artemis Fowl and Holly Short: A Romance**

Artemis Fowl discovers fanfiction.net, and like any other newbie, decides to submit his first story. He writes about something that he has no comprehension whatsoever about (romance), and the story is peppered with verbose words, hidden codes, references to the Fairy Folk, and very graphic descriptions.

He submits it.

Holly Short defies Commander Julius Root's (readers sheepishly realise that Artemis and Holly aren't the only characters in the books) orders and flies to the Fowl Manor to 'spy' on Artemis (though what she really intends to do is known only to Arty/Holly shippers).

Suddenly, she is overcome by hatred for him (love-hate relationship), and for a not-so-unknown reason, Artemis is knocked out cold by a shimmer in the air.

(Readers protest at the story's slow pace, and impatiently skips the next few paragraphs, hoping to find steamy Arty/Holly scenes)

Holly reads his story, realises that it is actually about the both of them overcoming their height/species differences, and falls in love with the story…and its author.

She revives him, Artemis confesses his true feelings, and they both live happily ever after, till the end of their days.

**Artemis Fowl and Holly Short: A Tragedy**

Artemis: Holly! What…..what happened to you? Your ears are……..wilting?

Holly: I have cancer.

Artemis: That cannot be! I-I'll save you. I've studied every book, participated in every medical online forum, submitted my-

Holly: There is no cure, Artemis. I am dying, and that's that.

Artemis: But you cannot die……..You, Holly, are the only fairy…the only _woman_ that I've come to care for, besides Mother and Juliet.

Holly: Woman? You insult me, Mud Boy. (But her face betrays her)

Artemis: Yes, I consider you an equal. The one who taught me what respect is all about. And love.

Holly: (sobs uncontrollably) I don't want to die, Artemis, I really don't!

Artemis: Does Foaly know?

(Readers once again realise that there are more than two characters in the book)

Holly: He does. But let's not talk about him now. Let's talk about……._us_.

(Insert outrageously mushy, heartbreaking, tragic scene here)

Elsewere, Butler dabs his eye with a handkerchief. _At least_, he thought, _Artemis is spending some time with a member of the opposite sex._

**Commander Julius Root Reprimands Captain Holly Short**

Root: Late again! (Turns purple)

Holly: (Looks rebellious) It wasn't my fault, sir. Somebody dumped a hundred swear toads-

Root: (Turns an even deeper shade of purple) DON'T GIVE ME EXCUSES, SHORT!

Holly: Yessir. But are you, by any chance, practising sexism?

Root: (Turns into something deeper than deep purple) I'll have your badge for this, Short!

Holly: Sure. I resign anyway. Oh, and by the way, your favourite Mud Boy just kidnapped another fairy. I'll leave you and your _male_ employees to deal with him.

Root: (Spontaneously combusts)

**Artemis Fowl the Selfless Hero**

Artemis: Run, Butler. I'll hold him back.

Butler: …………..Isn't that supposed to be _my_ line, Master Artemis?

Artemis: It's _mine _now. Everybody knows that I'm the anti-hero, but prefers to romanticize me anyway. Attribute me to qualities that, according to Dr. J. Argon, I do not possess. So here I am, trying to prove him wrong by saving everybody at the cost of my own precious life.

Holly: No, Artemis, no!

Artemis: (Loosens his tie, removes his blood-and-sweat-soaked Armani shirt, non-existent muscles rippling)

Holly: (Swoons, but tries to conceal it)

Butler: (Sticks by Artemis' side, because he's Artemis' sidekick, uh, bodyguard)

Artemis: (Whips out a device constructed of technology way beyond his successors' time and baffles everyone with it)

(Villain enters; he's a guy who is a crossover between Opal Koboi and Jon Spiro (i.e.: Jon Koboi, pointy ears, wears a white linen suit, smart megalomaniac))

Jon Koboi: (Floats in on his hover chair)

Artemis: I shall defeat you for once and for all. And I am not afraid to sacrifice myself, if the situation demands. (Points baffling device at Jon Koboi ala Aragorn) What say you?

Jon Koboi: Indeed? Sacrifice THIS! (Shoots Artemis' torso with a metallic pistol)

Butler: (Whips out his Sig Sauer but is stopped by Artemis)

Artemis: Don't…………kill………..him…………Butler. (Dies)

Butler: (Struggles to come to terms with his ex-principal's death, and tries to decide between obeying Artemis' last wish and his desire to mutilate Jon Koboi)

Holly: (Shoots Jon Koboi, thus killing him and saving the world) Artemis never told ME not to kill him. So there.

****

****

**Artemis Fowl Gets His Memories Back**

Artemis: How did you get past Butler?

Mulch: Never you mind. The story's about YOU, Mud Boy. Take this.

Artemis: And pray tell, what is this medallion-

Mulch: Just take it, D'Arvit! I'm still holding on to your promise that 'we will be unstoppable'.

After the not-so-unpredictable happens…

Foaly: D'Arvit! Somebody just hacked into my higher-than-high tech system!

**Artemis Fowl Goes to High School**

A cheerleader who was late for practice bumped into a vampiric boy. She had a perfect figure, shampoo commercial-worthy hair and a tattoo on her forearm.

"Who're you, geek?" she asked, and gave him the one-over. She didn't like what she saw.

Artemis raised an eyebrow. He proceeded to spew a string of unintelligible words that consisted of incantations, ancient language, scientific terms, Gnommish, and other words invented by the author herself.

The cheerleader blinked and scuttled away.

In class, Artemis' knowledge put his teachers' to shame. He knew everything that you know, and as Snape would put it, he was the epitome of an insufferable know-it-all.

Somebody ticked him off. The next day, the unfortunate quarterback ended up in the hospital wing. Butler ended up with a bigger salary.

Artemis met a girl who wasn't the least bit intimidated by his superior intelligence. She was spunky, had bright red hair, silver eyes and wasn't afraid to use her fists.

He ended up marrying her after high school because she reminded him of Holly Short.

**Artemis Fowl the Deprived**

Artemis: Butler, my life lacks something. I, Artemis Fowl II, am not a slave to emotions, but _I just cannot go on deceiving myself!_

Butler: Yes, Master Artemis.

Artemis: I know that I have the funds, the intelligence, the fan girls, everything! But there is something missing, something that I cannot put into words, something more than words.

Butler: Yes, Master Artemis.

Artemis: I feel so……….deprived. Perhaps I can find love in a better place. Perhaps.

Butler: Yes, Master Artemis………….NO!! Don't jump! (Starts sobbing violently)

****

**Artemis Fowl and the Great Gadgets. **

Artemis steals a glance in Dr. Poe's direction. The man is droning on and on about values, respect, love, and other things that only exist in Utopia.

Amazingly enough, Artemis' head is bowed, and he listens with an attentive look on his pale face.

"You're different, Artemis," beams Dr. Poe. "A changed boy. Tell you what, if you retain your agreeable nature, these sessions will soon be removed from your schedule."

Artemis gives Dr. Poe a sunny smile. "Anything you say, sir."

Dr. Poe reaches out and pats Artemis on the hand. "That's a good boy."

Artemis continues to smile. It is a genuine smile.

Elsewhere…

"Butler, how is C176-500 doing? Check on him, please. The transaction of the Van Gogh collection in Vienna demands absolute concentration, on my part."

Butler glances at the monitor and nods, satisfied. "The automaton shows no signs of malfunctioning, Master Artemis."

Artemis smiles a chilly smile. "Of course not, old friend," he drawls. "I programmed him myself."

**Artemis Fowl and Velleriana Ulrika Monroe aka Mary Sue**

Artemis: Who…….who saved me from the Bull Troll? Holly? Is that you?

Valleriana: I am not Holly, but yes, I do have certain powers.

Artemis: Your hair……….I have never seen such lustrous locks! Not even after Mother returns from her weekly Red Door Saloon Treatment at Elizabeth Arden's. Words fail me…….My name is Artemis Fowl, by the way.

Valleriana: Actually, I rinse it with a concoction that I invented when I was seven.

Artemis: You're a chemist? I'm impressed. How absolutely stupendous. You must be my age!

Valleriana: Artemis, I am beyond that. I am an _alchemis_t. In fact, I received a Nobel Prize five years ago for _successful _transmutation.

Artemis: Will you marry me?

**Artemis Fowl: Muggle No More (Harry Potter Crossover)**

Artemis Fowl is about to swallow his spring water (Irish, no less), when a large tawny owl appears out of nowhere and drops a letter into his lap.

Butler checks for explosives. There are none.

Artemis gets a visit from Albus Dumbledore, follows the later to a shopping trip in Diagon Alley, and meets the Golden Trio a few months later.

He teams up with Harry Potter to take on Voldemort. Along the way, a Veela falls for him, he beats Hermione Granger during exams, and becomes the newest Slytherin Seeker (the Slytherins are now on a winning streak). Just before his NEWTs, Artemis discovers that he is the true heir of Slytherin (he was adopted).

EPILOGUE

Daily Prophet Headlines: HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED DIES AT ARTEMIS FOWL'S WAND. HARRY POTTER IS A NO-SHOW.

Dumbledore tries to cheer Harry up by offering him a lemon drop.

**Artemis Fowl the Unveiled Superhero (Arty/Holly ship)**

Artemis: So, am I _that_ irresistible to the Fairy Folk? It appears to me that summoning me here has become a norm.

Root: Silence, Mud Boy! Get out of my office! NOW!

Foaly: Actually, we need him.

Holly: YOU do. I don't.

Grub: I only get one stupid line, and for once, I want to say something other than 'But Mommy said'!

Root: (Turns an unhealthy shade of -what else? - purple) I was talking to Grub, pony!

Foaly: You weren't. Just admit it.

Artemis: So, (yawns) I take it that your latest villain is, should I say, unstoppable?

Holly: That's right, Arte, uh, I mean, Mud Boy.

Artemis: And you want me to eliminate him with my incontestable intellect?

Holly: Right again, Artemi, uh, Mud Boy. Will you do that? For me? I mean, for the Fairy Folk?

(The other characters realise that this is turning into an Arty/Holly fic, so they quietly leaves)

Artemis: Gladly. I shall 'put him out of the way' because I am absolutely devoted to preserving the secret of your people.

Holly: Oh, Artemis. (D' Arvit! How much he's GROWN!)

Artemis: Yes, Captain Short? (Curses! Why must I be a hormonal teenager?)

Holly:……take care.

Artemis: You too, Captain Short, eh, Holly.

(Insert shamelessly moving, and _mushy_ scene here)

(Butler knows what is going on underground, but decides not to do anything. At least Artemis is finally 'communicating'.)

****

**Artemis Fowl the Gary Stu**

He was devastatingly handsome. He had a Swiss bank account. He was intelligent. Girls who were viable of snagging a role in some James Bond movie fell at his feet, even though the ground wasn't the least bit slippery.

He had the mystique and charm of a vampire, and, to put it short, he was as debonair as a certain man who bears the code name of 007. Nobody could resist him, no matter how much they tried.

He was Artemis Fowl.

**Artemis Fowl and the Lost Sibling.**

Artemis: Who are you? You have Mother's eyes, but you look exactly like Father.

Arthur: What you're trying to say, dude, is that I LOOK LIKE YOU. Now, bugger off. It's my turn to be the rich, caviar-munching, vampiric criminal mastermind.

Artemis: You cannot be my brother. There is no proof to support your fallacious claim.

Arthur: Get out of the doorway, you lunatic! And in case you haven't realised, I AM YOUR TWIN. Still want proof?

Artemis: You…….I have a brother? I really do?

Arthur: (Shakes some life back into his fist as he carefully steps over an unconscious Artemis) What a milksop.

**Artemis Fowl and the Sauron Showdown (LOTR Crossover)**

Artemis: This is impossible. My time capsule seemed to have malfunctioned. I, where exactly am I?

Holly: You idiot! (Holly somehow always ends up accompanying Artemis on his missions)

Artemis: Astonishing! I……..I recognize the geography. I studied it, in fact. This is Middle Earth.

Holly: Then why the D'Arvit are we in a VOLCANO?!

Artemis: The Valars must have interfered to bring about this whole farce. Perhaps we are expected to play a part in the history of Middle Earth.

Holly: WHAT? Look here, Mud Boy, did you invent a TIME CAPSULE or a SHUTTLE SERVICE to HELL?

Artemis: Shush, Holly, eh, Captain Short. I sense a scuffle….coming from…..THERE!

Holly: Then why are you running in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION?

Artemis: Because…….Oh, let us offer our assistance to Frodo and Sam.

Holly: (Barfs) What's that ugly creature doing, dancing at the edge of- We should help him! He might fall!

Artemis: (Grabs Holly's hand) Don't rush to his aid! He was meant to die! It's the only way for the One Ring to be destroyed!

Holly: (Allows Artemis to hold her hand) But, that's so sad! I cannot let that happen! (Sprints towards Gollum)

Artemis: NOOOOOOO!!

And so it came to pass, that the History of Middle Earth was screwed up, thanks to a very compassionate elf.

Foaly: (Shakes his head) Emotional creatures, elves.

**Review?**


	2. Act 2

**A/N: **Thanks to everyone who left his or her suggestions/pointed out the clichés that escaped my eye. I've tried to incorporate some of your ideas into the following stories. And no, don't give up on this fandom. I have read several excellent stories written by some very competent authors, and I hope that you'll stumble across them, just like I did.

**Disclaimer: **None of the following characters belong to me. If any of the stories resembles yours in any way, any way at all, then I am truly sorry. Otherwise, have fun!

**Artemis Fowl and the Metamorphosis of the Millennium**

Holly: OH MY FROND!

Root: (Turns into his usual shade of purple) WHAT the D' Arvit is walking through the doors right now?!

Foaly: Shouldn't you be saying, 'WHO the D'Arvit is-'

Root: Silence, pony! Anyway, as I was saying, -

Foaly: This is biological impossibility! PREPOSTEROUS! (Immediately realises that he is on the brink of being fired, having interrupted a superior)

(Artemis walks in through the doors. How he managed to sneak into the LEP Headquarters is unknown)

Artemis: (Looks meaningfully at Holly) Greetings, my old friends.

Holly: (Puts on a tough act) We're no friends of yours, Mud Boy, or………._whatever_ you are!

Artemis: But I am a Mud Boy no longer, Captain Short. I am _Artemis the Fairy._

Root: ……………

Foaly: …………..

Holly: (Secretly feels happy because the species difference factor has been overcome, meaning that she can officially hook up with Artemis, to the cheers of Arty/Holly shippers)

Artemis: You know why I chose to forsake my humanity, Captain Short. Why I opted to become an elf.

Holly: Why, Artemis? (As if she doesn't know)

(Root and Foaly are now the fifth business/wheel/whatever you call those folks who fade into the background when the two protagonists start to 'take notice' of each other)

Artemis: (Looks at Holly in the eye) For you, Captain Short, eh, Holly.

(Insert nauseatingly mushy scene here where Artemis and Holly are horribly OOC)

**Artemis Fowl the Abused: Arty/Holly ship (An example of a 'good' story with a bad sequel)**

Artemis Fowl rolls up the sleeves of his Dior shirt. A web of scars greets him, and he flinches at the ugliness of it all.

_I will never be beautiful. (_Melodramatic voice)

Holly Short enters his bedroom (though why she's even there in the first place is unknown). She sees the scars, heals him, and feels so sorry for him that she marries him so that she can go on healing him forever and ever.

On his deathbed, about 80 years later, Artemis confesses that the wounds were self-inflicted.

"Why, Arty, why?" sobs Holly. "Why did you subject yourself to such suffering?"

"So that you'll come for me, Captain Short, eh, Holly," came the reply. And then he died.

**Sequel: Artemis Fowl the Abused II**

Holly grieves for days. Finally, a solution comes to her like a bolt out of the blue.

She visits a friend of a friend, Mr. Foaf (Friend of a friend), and he gives her a mysterious something to be given to Artemis.

Holly goes to Artemis' grave, digs out his (ahem) remains, sprinkles the mysterious something onto his remains and waits expectantly.

Suddenly, Artemis comes back to life. He looks like he's about twenty-five, and is drop-dead gorgeous. Apparently, the mysterious something is even better than magic, because it appears to be able to turn skeletons and rotting flesh into a fully functioning organism. I say 'organism' because Artemis is no longer a human. He has morphed into an elf. An _immortal_ elf, at that, just like in Tolkien's books.

The first thing he says is, "My beloved Captain Short, eh, Holly." (Cue: "awwwwwwwwww")

And they lived happily ever after, for eternity.

**Artemis Fowl and the Reality Show (Also known as Artemis Fowl and the Great Multi-Crossover)**

Artemis: So, who're we going to vote for at tonight's Tribal council?

Foaly: Shut up, Mud Boy!

Root: (Throws Foaly a nasty look)

Butler: I say that we vote for Voldemort. His sneaky looks are getting to me.

Artemis: But I have an alliance with him……..oops.

Hermione Granger: (Looks besotted) Professor Lockhart, can I get you a drink?

Foaly: Shut up, Mud Girl!

Root: (Throws Foaly a nasty look)

Juliet Butler: The audience will vote for contestant number ten, which is me, because I'm beautiful and I can SING! I'm better looking than Jasmine!

Harry Potter: Uh……is this Survivor or American Idol?

Aragorn: I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, spouse of Arwen, who is the Evenstar-

Mulch: Cut the crap, My Lord. Hey, is this Fear Factor? I say that we do the stunt where you're required to bury yourself in cockroaches, scorpions and other yum yums.

Foaly: Shut up, convict!

Root: (Strangles the centaur) WILL YOU STOP STEALING MY LINES?!

James Bond: (enters with two babes on either arm) I don't care what reality show this is, because I'm on a mission to save the world. Um, is this by any chance America's Next Top Model?

A certain blonde heiress whose name is associated with hotels: No, you idiot! This is 'The Simple Life!'

Artemis: (Sighs) Intelligent people are so hard to come by these days.

Holly: Shut up, Mud Boy.

Artemis: (Cheeks turn pink) Hello there, Captain Short, eh, Holly.

Holly: Yes, Artemis?

(Hereafter, the fic turns into an Arty/Holly feast. You know the drill.)

**Artemis Fowl the Insane**

Artemis: I am not mad. No, mad I am not. Not mad am I.

Dr. Poe: Mrs. Fowl, I'm afraid that your son only has six months to live.

Artemis: What does that have to do with me being supposedly insane?

Dr. Poe: (Shrugs) How should I know? The author only put that line in because it's one of the most clichéd things a doctor says. It's always 'six months'. Hasn't anyone noticed that? Just ask the author.

Artemis: I shall not talk to the author. It is the author's fault, that I am forced to spew illogical facts, display uncharacteristic behaviour, and to top it off, Holly isn't even in this story.

(Artemis promptly gets whisked away to a mental hospital-cum-farm where the patients are required to shovel steaming, fresh manure because he insulted me. Ahem. I mean, because he's non compos mentis)

**Artemis Fowl Crashes Holly Short's Wedding**

It was a bright and sunny day. Birds twittered merrily (Figure of speech. Feathered creatures aren't underground dwellers). All was well……….NOT!

The pretze (the People's equivalent of a priest) glanced from Holly to Trouble. "So, does anyone object? No? Good. You, you stupid, ugly Mud Boy," he snapped, jabbing a green finger at Artemis Fowl, "put your hand down!"

Artemis bit his lip and lowered his hand.

"So," continued the pretze in a sour voice, "I take it that nobody is DUMB enough to stop this HAPPY, COMPATIBLE, LOVING couple before me?"

Artemis once again lowered his hand.

Holly Short assumed the role of the indecisive bride. She wanted to marry Trouble, but gut feeling told her that Fowl was _the one_. Decisions, decisions.

The pretze whipped out a Neutrino 2000 and pointed it meaningfully at Artemis. "Now, I shall continue with the long, boring formalities, seeing that nobody is against this union – PUT YOUR HAND DOWN YOU CONFOUNDED MUD BOY!!"

Artemis, feeling utterly wretched, lowered his hand and stared stonily at Holly.

"Nobody else? NO THE STUPID MUD BOY DOES NOT COUNT! HIS OPINION DOESN'T COUNT!!!! AND – D'ARVIT – PUT YOUR HAND DOWN!!"

Artemis, for the fourth time, lowered his hand.

EPILOGUE

"You may now kiss the bride."

(Insert 'heroic' music here; the sort of track played when a hero rides off into war)

Artemis stood up. He kicked a child out of his way. He trod on an elderly elf's arthritic feet. He gave Chix Verbil, who was best man, a punch in the face, just for the heck of it.

The pretze gaped open-mouthed at Artemis. Disbelief personified.

"Come with me, Captain Short, eh, Holly," said Artemis. When Holly wasn't looking, he killed Trouble, thus eliminating his rival.

He carried her out of wherever the ceremony was taking place, and they rode off into the sunset on a random white steed that, for no apparent reason, was waiting for him outside.

It goes without saying that they lived happily ever after.

**A Girl In Artemis' Boarding School**

A girl got off the bus. She was wearing a tight-fitting shirt with the words 'Good Charlotte' across it. Oh, and she's also very stunning and spoke a thousand languages including Sanskrit and Gnommish.

In class, every guy was drooling over her. Every guy except Artemis Fowl, that is.

"Hi," said Hollyanderika. "I'm Hollyanderika."

"Hi," said Artemis. "I'm Artemis."

Nobody seemed to care that she was the only _girl_ in St. Bartlebys School for Young _Gentlemen_, that she wasn't wearing uniform, or that she was the richest girl in the world.

One dark and stormy night, Hollyanderika crept into Artemis' dorm.

"Yo, dude," she whispered. "You're the only guy who doesn't worship me, so I'm gonna tell you a little secret, yo."

Artemis blinked sleepily. "Whassup, babe?"

"I'm the first human LEP. I was assigned to watch over you, Mud Boy."

"The first human LEP?"

"Yeah. And I'm also the first female Recon officer."

"What??!!"

"Yeah. And I'm also Holly Short."

"WHAT???!!!!"

EPILOGUE

And then Artemis Fowl woke up, and it was all a dream.

**Artemis Fowl and the Great Body Switch **

Artemis Fowl wakes up. Everything seems fine. Except for one thing. One very, very horrible thing.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Butler immediately whips out his Sig Sauer and rushes to Artemis' room. "Is anything wrong, Master Artemis?" he shouts as he pushes the doors open. "Did you wet the bed again-HOLLY COW!"

Artemis, tears streaming down his cheeks, stares bewilderedly at his manservant. "What happened, Butler? What happened?"

Butler stares back, feeling equally befuddled. "I don't know how you got here, Captain Short, but," he says in an icy voice, "you had better tell me what you did to my principal…or face the wrath of my Sig Sauer."

Artemis lets out a wail. "I am Artemis, you imbecile! I am your principal!"

Butler shuts his eyes. _Bloody, bloody hell._

Elsewhere, in Holly Short's quarters……..

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Anyway, to give the story a happy ending, Foaly, ever the misunderstood genius that ends up as the not-so-reluctant hero, hands the both of them a nameless potion. After a lot of shrieking, sobbing and snickering (on Root's and Butler's part), they resume their original forms.

The next day…..

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

(Insert déjà vu scenario here)

**Artemis Fowl's Great Adventure**

Artemis Fowl yawns. _Ah_, he thought, _a brand new day, a brand new adventure._

He _walks_ towards his mother and gives her a peck on the cheek. Artemis, feeling extremely energetic, decides to _stroll _at a speed of 0.7 km/hour instead of his usual 0.07 km/hour (yes, I know it's illogically slow, even by an almost sedentary kid's standards).

He _munches_ on his toast, and _reads_ the newspaper. Later, he _accompanies _Butler to the latter's monthly check-up. A couple of hours later, he _invents _a time capsule.

And he does all these without breaking a sweat.

Later that night, Artemis closes his eyes and drifted off to slumber land.

"I'm _exhausted_," he says to no one in particular.

**Hypothermia aka Artemis Fowl Falls In Love**

Artemis glanced at the girl beside him. She was, as usual, a quintessential babe, complete with an exotic name (Xeralianna), flawless alabaster complexion, legs that went on forever, and she also possessed the perfect figure.

"Mother says that I am to spend some 'quality' time with you to improve my social skills," said Artemis, and he scowled disgustedly. "How having you as my guest is supposed to have a positive effect on me is beyond me. Asphyxia is more like it."

Xeralianna let out a peal of laughter that reminded him of anything _but _tinkling bells. In fact the giggles were so horribly annoying that Artemis felt like stuffing his designer handkerchief into her mouth. Either that or he'd have to rip his ears out.

"Oh, Arty," she drawled in a sotto voce that was meant to be heard by him, "you are _so_ funny!" A fog horn-like guffaw followed the blatant lie.

Artemis stared angrily at a stuffed stag in the corner of the room. He hated everyone in the entire universe. Everyone except Holly Short, that is. __

Suddenly, he felt an unpleasant tingling sensation on his right arm. The pale boy absent-mindedly brushed off what he presumed to be a spider on his arm. Imagine his horror when Xeralianna emitted a high-pitched shriek.

"Your fingers are _so_ cold, Arty," she gasped, batting her eyelashes at him. "I think that you might have hypithermie."

Artemis blinked at her. _Why did Mother force me into the company of such an intellectually challenged person? Curses! _

"Excuse me?" he said, lacing his voice with icicles, "hypithermie? What, pray tell, is that? Perhaps you meant 'hypothermia', instead. That is the only plausible replacement for your mispronunciation. And no, Xeralianna, I believe that I am, as you would so typically put it, 'in the pink of health'. A slight dust mite allergy, but I am no hypochondriac, so…..."

Xeralianna blinked. "Yeah," she said hurriedly, "hypothermia. Yeah."

Artemis was ready for that one. "I'm sorry?" he asked sarcastically. "Hypothermia? Excusez moi, but do you detect dangerously irregular heart rhythms? Fall of cardiac output? Slurred speech? Dilated pupils? Confusion? Significantly decreased brain activity? Shivering?"

Xeralianna had no idea what he was talking about, but she recognized the first and last symptom.

"Au contraire, Arty," she simpered, and snuggled into his arm, "that isn't hyperthermite! That's falling in love!"

Artemis passed out.

**Artemis Fowl: From An Obsessed Fan's Perspective**

Artemis fowl wore a blck jaket, had tattoos over his mussels and a lot of body pie….pierc…..peersings..(A/N: DAMMIT!!!!1 HOW DO U SPELL 'BODY EARINGS'??????!!!!!!!!). HE shouted at a microfon for butler to come, and as he waited 4 jult 2 bring sum water 4 his thirsy thrut, he smoked a cigaret (A/N: HE'S SOOOOOO HOT!!!1111 I LURVE BAD BOYS!!!!1111111 I'M DYING RIGHT NOW BCOZ ARTY IS SOOOO SIXY!!!!11111 I WANNA…OOPS. GOT CARRIED AWAY)

Suddenly an owl came and told Arty (A/N: IM THE ONLY GAL WHOSE ALLOWED 2 CALL HIM ARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111) dat sum1 is comin 2 visit him. Da owl is actyally a flying spying camera (A/N: He's soooooooooo smart!!!!111 all mine!!1 hes all mine!!!!!!!!!11111111) invented by arty himself. As he was 8ing cavar (A/N: DAMMIT! How do u spell 'fish eggs'???) holly short flew in.

How r u asked arty

Im fine said holly

I missed u said arty (A/N:I'M POSITIVELY FEINTING BECOZ HES SO HOTTT!!! ARTEMIS!!! I LUUURRRVVVVVEEEE U!!! ME & ARTY 4EVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111)

I missed u said holly n she looked into his perfect, handsome face, beUTful fiery blue eyes (A/N: Omigosh!!!!!11111 hes so gorgeous!!!!!111 pant pant pant pant)

After dat, arty and me…..ahem….i mean arty and HOLLY made out. Then he aslked me 2 marry him. Er…..i mean, he aslked HOLLY 2 marry him. (A/N; Sorry 4 da mist8s, but hes such a HOTTIE!!!!1111I I cou'ldn resisist!!!!!!!!111111)

Ps: REVIWE NOW!!!!!!11

PSS: REVIEWS NOW!!!!1111 ARTY IS ALL MINE, MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!!11

PSSS: REVIWS, OR I WONT RITE ANOTHER CHAPPIE!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!1 IM EVIL!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111111

**Artemis Fowl Flunks**

He couldn't believe it. It was utterly inconceivable. He, Artemis Fowl II, had failed his very first examination!

Artemis stared at the results sheet with bulging eyes. Beside him, Butler patted his shoulder sympathetically.

"It's all right, Master Artemis," said the manservant. "There is always the alternative, you know."

The huge 'FAILED' glared back at him, taunting him. The fact that it was written in red ink only made things worse.

"I've failed, Butler," he whispered. Tears rushed to his eyes as he stared at the sheet. A lump that rose in his throat was hastily swallowed. "I've failed my very first exam. Butler, what should I do?"

Butler hid a smile. "Well, like I said, there's always the alternative. Now, let's get you home."

Tears were streaming down his cheeks now. Think Angel Falls. "GET ME HOME?!" shrieked Artemis. "HOW?"

Butler glanced uneasily around. "I'll drive you, of course. Now calm down, Artemis, it's only-"

"DON'T SAY THAT IT'S ONLY A TEST! He said that I was the worse candidate he's ever seen! He told me that I should be banned from taking the exam again! He told me that I'm a disaster waiting to happen!"

Butler's mouth formed a grim line. "Should I have a word with him, Artemis?"

But Artemis was too busy ranting to care. "He said that I would never pass! Ever! I thought that I could prove him wrong on the day of the test, but it turned out that I couldn't! I COULDN'T! I'VE FAILED! I HAVE FLUNKED!"

Butler shook his head sadly. As much as he hated to admit it……….

"Artemis, it's just a _driving test_."

**Thanks for reading. Long live original plots and storylines that transcend convention!**


	3. Act 3

**Disclaimer: **You know the drill. Nothing belongs to me. If any of the following stories resemble yours in any way, any way at all, then I am truly sorry. Otherwise, have fun!

**You've Got Mail**

Dear Artemis,

I've a crush on the guy next door. He has cerulean blue eyes, golden hair, and a six-pack. I think that I'm in love. Every night, I look out of my window, hoping to see him looking back. Once, when I saw him perform in the school auditorium, I swear that he's playing for me. I'm failing all my tests because of him. My grades are dropping, but I don't care because he's worth it. I can't get him out of my mind! Boo-hoo! He doesn't notice me!

-Sweetchix69

Dear Sweetchix69,

Firstly, I must say that pleonasm must only be associated with fools. Cerulean defines itself as blue, and there is absolutely no need for you to engage in superfluity of verbiage. You disgust me with your immaturity, and I must say that it is utterly merciless of you to besmirch my imagination with your graphic descriptions. As any agony aunt would say, 'go boil your head and don't even bother to scream'.

Dear Artemis,

You're the genius, aren't you? Cool. Now that I've complimented you, do ya mind tellin' me how to blow up my school without having to fiddle with all those complicated stuff? I want something simple, like, something that's cheap, easy to operate, like, you know. I just push the button, and KAA-BOOOM!! Yeah, like that. I've watched those Terminator flicks with my girl, and I want that kind of effects. The sort that'll blow everyone's socks off. Yeah. Heh. Oh yeah. And any chances that I can get away with this without having the cops banging on my door or something?

-IWILLKILLUMRMATHS

Dear IWILLKILLUMRMATHS,

Ah, finally. I have been waiting, bidding my time in this little sanctuary of mine, counting the days till someone mentions weapons of mass destruction. And I shall share my lore with you. First, you need to have some knowledge on thermodynamics.

---------------Censored due to sensitive content. The author disclaims any cases of schools blown up by cheap, easily operated dynamites---------------------------

Dear Artemis,

Do you like Holly or not? Everyone's dying to know, and already, the both of you are being paired up in various fan fictions. So……are you two an item? Do you feel something for her? Do tell!

-Rita Skeeter wannabe

Dear Rita Skeeter Wannabe,

Yes, I must admit that I feel something more than respect for Captain Short. But she's so high, high above me. So why should I even bother? Poor me.

Dear Holly,

I H8 U. Artemis is MINE.

-nobody

Dear nobody,

Take him, Mud Girl. See if I care.

Dear Holly,

Is it true that you're a Mary Sue?

-Mary Sue Hunter

Dear Mary Sue Hunter,

As far as I'm concerned, Mary Sues have legs that go on forever. What's my height again? Exactly.

Dear Holly,

Do you have something for Artemis? Or is it Trouble? What do you think about interspecies relationships?

-Nelly

Dear Nelly,

Oh, I do have something for him. Oh yes, indeed. I have my fists, my Neutrino 2000 and my wits. Trouble? What's with this pairing, anyway? NOTHING in the book implied that I have the hots for that elf. Nothing. And about interspecies relationships…….Tell me, Nelly, do you mind making out with, say, a lobster? There you have it.

Dear Holly,

If you and Foaly hook up later in the books, what'll your kids look like?

-Salvo32

Dear Salvo32,

I'm suing you for causing grievous damage to my mental health. Expect a call from my lawyer any time now.

Dear Juliet,

Why're you always such a bimbo? (The same goes for Frond)

-Juliet ha8er

Dear Juliet ha8er,

That's only because society tends to stereotype beauties as bimbos. Hmph! But as for you, I'd have to say that your intellect revels that of a dodo. Double hmph!

Dear Foaly,

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but when I think of you, I tend to visualize a certain donkey from those Shrek movies. I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

-Shrekfan

Dear Shrekfan,

Yes, it's just you. Now, if you don't mind, I need to go bother a certain ugly, smelly, bad-tempered superior with my wise-cracking attitude. Toodles!

Dear Butler,

Do you have a love life? I mean, at all?

-interested

Dear interested,

Yes I do, but it's none of your business. Please know, however, that a Butler's priorities lie not in his so-called love life, but the in the love life of his employer. Oops…

Dear Butler,

What? You really have a love life? You've got to be kidding me. Hey, just so that you know, I wasn't talking about love affairs with bullets and knives. I mean, a real love life.

-interested

Dear interested,

I checked the letter, ran it under a few scans, and guess what, interested? Or should I call you, Commander Root?

Dear Artemis,

Please help me. I feel so…….trapped. As though I'm living in denial. My peers look to me as this strong creature, determined and dedicated, but the truth is, I'm just putting on a façade. The whole charade is so rampantly pretentious that I'm positively falling apart. And it's all because of……..him.

-zoe

Dear zoe,

Another victim of split-personality disorder, I presume? And beware, my friend, for you are slowly falling into the 'blinded by love' category.

Dear Artemis,

Yes, I am blinded by love. I know that ours will never work out, and that it's opposed by almost everyone. Heck, I don't even know for sure if he feels the same way. But I think that if there's one guy, just one guy, who'd lay down his life for me and die, I hate to say it; it's hard to say it, but it's probably him.

-zoe

Dear zoe,

Have you been listening to Sting lately? I suspect that you plagiarised his works. And I do not offer advice to petty thieves. Come up with something more original, and I might condone your clichéd lines.

Dear Artemis,

You know what? I think that I'm cured of my infatuation. Thanks to YOU, I now know that he's not pretending to be nonchalant and uncaring; he IS nonchalant and uncaring. Thanks again for curing me.

-zoe

Dear zoe,

You're welcome. I think.

**Long live original plots and storylines that transcend convention!**


	4. Act 4

**Disclaimer: **The characters that you recognize belong to Eoin Colfer.

**A/N:** I only parody my own stories, so if anything here reminds you of something that you wrote, then I'm terribly sorry.

**Artemis Fowl: For Him The Bells Toll **

Through a series of unfortunate events/some prophecy says so/his parents' insistence, Artemis Fowl discovers that if he doesn't marry Holly Short to fulfil his destiny within the next two hours, he'll never come into inheritance/he'll die a terrible death/he'll end up marrying a hag a decade later/whatever clichéd fate you can think of.

Loafers: A boy is forced to marry his crush? How original! (He's just thrown in for the sake of reminding everyone that he still exists)

Artemis: HELP!! Captain Short, you've always been my saviour! Please help me out one last time! Will you marry me?

Holly: Why are you doing this to me? I'm only ninety! (Sobs rebelliously, but is actually thinking, "YES!")

Random person: She must be mad. I'll be PARTYING if I'm destined to marry Artemis Fowl!

Anyway, to give this story a plot, a villain is inserted.

Briar Cudgeon's unnamed relative (Who incidentally, is a Dementor): Die, Artemis die! You caused my brother's death! Die!

Artemis: EXPECTO PATRONUM!

(His Patronus assumes the shape of……..Beyonce. Oops. I mean, Holly Short)

Butler: (Feels utterly astonished, not to mentioned _insulted_, that the Patronus wasn't him)

Holly: (Feels utterly won over) You did that for me? Oh, Artemis…….!

Artemis: Yes, Captain Short. You have always been my protector. (Raises his eyes to meet Holly's. Slowly, for full effect.)

EPILOGUE

Root: ………(yada, blah, mutter, mumble)…you may kiss the bride.

(Insert sizzling, mushy scene here.)

And they lived happily ever after, till the end of their days.

**Artemis Fowl and the Magical Artefact**

One day, Artemis Fowl wakes up and decides to steal a magical artefact for no apparent reason at all. Butler is forced to go along with his Principal's plans, although the manservant is arthritic and has a _conscience_.

They head to a random museum. There, Butler takes out twenty ageing, obese, rheumatic, asthmatic guards with loud rock music blaring in the background.

Artemis struts into the museum.

"Oh, my!" exclaims Artemis. "Here is the Book, sitting on a silk cushion, waiting for me! Marvellous!"

He opens the Book, and, to his disgust, discovers that it's actually about the Ten Ways to Snag a Boy. How absolutely macabre!

But curiosity gets the better of him, and Artemis scans the pages, all the time telling himself that he's only doing it to 'put his excess memory space to use', and _not_ because he's interested in knowing how to Snag A Boy.

_1. _Always put on the tough act. Do not be afraid to shave your head if the situation demands. (Artemis gulps. _Uh-oh. Who has short hair and could take out a Bull Troll?)_

2. Violence isn't a crime. Do not be afraid to use your fists. (Artemis' heart races. Holly had punched him before. He blinks, and hurriedly reads the next line.)

3. Get into his parents' good books. Butter them up, save their lives, bribe them – do ANYTHING to get their approval. (Artemis draws a breath in sharply. Holly had saved his father, and gave his mother her sanity back! The jigsaw is slowly showing a picture…)

4. Show reluctance to work with him. Squabble with your superior if necessary.

5. Only be warm and friendly sporadically.

6. Make sure he knows that you think that he is a cold, infernal abomination.

Artemis reads on, and when he finally finishes, his face is very, very pale. _Uh-oh. Tough act? Check. Insults? Check. Everything else…check. _

But that could only mean one thing…

A slight rustle behind him startles Artemis. He turns around, and an invisible Holly greets him.

"Captain Short," he says aloud, staring at a stuffed toad as he speaks. "I have been expecting you."

Holly unshields, and glares at Artemis. (Rule No.7 propagated glaring at your love interest, as often as possible.). "What are you up to now, Mud Boy? Embarking on another devious, illegal adventure, I see."

Artemis swallows. Holly sure is a rule-abiding elf. "Yes, Holly," says Artemis calmly. "I didn't know that you were one to play by the rules."

(Readers ignore the next paragraph, hoping to find steamy, sizzling, Arty/Holly scenes)

To save her from an embarrassing situation, Artemis, ever the self-sacrificing hero, confesses his love for her. Holly, as usual, puts up a façade of indifference (Rule no. 8), before realising that Rule No. 9 (When he confesses his love for you, stab him with a knife.) is utter gobbledegook. And so is Rule No. 10 (Bury his body in the north-east corner of your garden). She gives in to her feelings and they make out for hours after that, before the eyes of a gecko (The gecko is actually Britney Javelin, who got turned into a reptile because she dumped Jackie Timberpond who is Voldemort's long-lost son…let's just get on with the story).

Elsewhere, Butler knows EXACTLY what is going on inside. He whistles a little tune idiotically and polishes his Sig Sauer.

**What If……**

**Scenario I: What If Artemis Fowl Was Born A Girl?**

Female Artemis: Oh, Trouble….Eh, Captain Kelp.

Trouble Kelp: Yes, Mud G……Yes, Artemis?

(You know the drill)

**Scenario II: What If Mulch Lost The Disk?**

Mulch: Oh, no! I lost the disk!

Artemis: Oh, no! Now I'll never get my memories back, for eternity!

Foaly: Oh, no! Now I can't have long, boring discussions with him in which words from dead languages, Elvish, Gnommish, Dwarwish and Babblish are used!

Holly: Oh, no! Now he'll never remember me! Wait. I mean, well, good!

Foaly: (Glances at the tears gushing from Holly's eyes (read: waterfall)) Emotional creatures, elves.

**Artemis Fowl: The Beastmaster**

Artemis Fowl is walking along, minding his own business when he hears a low, rumbling growl. His heart doesn't skip a beat.

As cool and composed as could be, the vampiric mastermind carefully turns around………..and comes face to face with a snarling tiger. Still, Artemis does not flinch.

"You're a magnificent beast," he drawls. EVERYONE knows that it always pays to try the psychological approach when confronted by angry tigers that probably don't understand a word of English. "A predator in his prime. You, my friend, are the object of envy of your counterparts."

The tiger bares its teeth. It is hungry. Utterly famished. Ravenous, in fact.

Artemis looks at the beast in its eye. He could sense its lust for blood within the fiery orbs.

The tiger takes a step closer to him. Artemis holds his ground with foolish determination. The tiger comes nearer, and rears up on its hind legs, desiring to turn the slender boy into human steak. Raw, no less.

Artemis detects the feral urges of the tiger. He begins to feel unsafe.

So he walks away from the cage.

**Artemis Fowl the First Human LEP**

Root: There'll be a new recruit joining us; he specializes in divulging enemy secrets. Presenting…ARTEMIS FOWL! (Beams happily.)

(Artemis Fowl walks into the scene. Random fact: He looks very good in his LEPrecon uniform.)

Artemis: (Sighs) Can _nothing_ be done without me?

Holly: Shut up, Fowl. (She acts sulkily, and spends the better part of the day referring to him as 'Mud Boy'.)

Artemis and Holly are forced to work together on some secret project. Initially, their arguments were very audible. Then they got softer. And softer. And softer. Finally, there was no more contention. Things became so quiet that Root began to get worried.

Holly: Oh, golly me! After spending all those hours with you, I've come to know the _real you_. You've a heart after all!

Artemis: And I have learnt what respect is, after meeting you. You're the only one for me!

(Insert outrageously mushy scene here. OOC-ness abound.)

Butler: AT LAST! Artemis is finally 'communicating'! (Goes back to polishing his Sig Sauer, the only thing that he's good at.)

**Artemis Fowl and the Time Turner Fiction**

Artemis Fowl discovers that the world is coming to an end. The reason? He just lost his first game of chess.

Instead of challenging Professor Zabini to a rematch, the prodigy decides to do something revolutionary but time-consuming.

He invents a time machine.

After a couple of weeks tinkering away in the basement, Artemis unveils his latest gadget, a time capsule. He then declares that it shall be put to good use (He's going back in time, so that he can defeat Professor Zabini and reclaim his dignity).

And he does just that.

Imagine Artemis' astonishment when he is beaten….again!

Artemis: This cannot be! I memorised your moves! That confounded castle is supposed to move _after_ your infernal bishop, not _before_! What is happening? Has my eidetic memory let me down?

Professor Zabini: Bwahahaha! You are but an amateur, my child. You are too young to know the ways of the world.

Artemis: The only explanation would be that you invented your own time capsule, travelled back in time, and defeated me again.

Foaly: Actually, that is impossible. Professor Zabini would have to prescient, for one thing. For another, the overlapping timelines-

Author: Get lost, Foaly! Your logic is ruining everything!

Professor Zabini: (Smirks) Of course, Artemis. Of course. And you know what, boy? When it comes to time travel, nobody beats me. In fact (matter-fact-voice), I've been time-travelling since I was thirteen!

Artemis: WHAT?! I patented the first time-travelling device! How could you…ohhhhh_._

Professor Zabini: Yep! I'm Hermione Granger! I married Blaise Zabini last month, and decided to go by my husband's name, so that the readers wouldn't realise that this is a Harry Potter crossover all along! Hah! (The author disregards the fact that Hermione never was good at chess, to begin with.)

**Artemis Fowl and the Song Fic (As sung by Artemis Fowl)**

_Oh, you might not think I'm pretty ,_

_But don't swoon at what you see,_

_Butler will mutilate whoever it is,_

_That is smarter and younger than me._

_You can keep your calculators Casio,_

_Your Palms Sony and Spiro,_

_But I am Artemis Fowl II,_

_And my stolen fairy-gadgets can out-tech them all._

_You might belong in Gryffindor,_

_And fight like a Shaolin Master,_

_But your daring, nerve and chivalry,_

_Will fade when confronted by Butler._

_Or, perhaps you might be a Hufflepuff,_

_And be known for your loyalty,_

_But even your patience will run thin,_

_When Grub starts talking about his Mommy._

_Or yet, perhaps you're a Ravenclaw,_

_Who claims to have mastered facts and lore,_

_But pray note that there's always Foaly_

_And nobody knows more than him but me._

_Maybe Slytherin's your house,_

_If you like being the antagonist,_

_But nobody is more devious than_

_Count Mustrum Diggory de Dwarfish._

_So by all means go ahead, I plea,_

_Read my books and regurgitate tales about me,_

_Outlandish pairings, soporific plots – I can't wait to star in them,_

_By the way, I'm an Arty/Holly fan._

**Artemis Fowl: Suffering In Silence**

_When you cry I'll wipe away all of your tears_

Artemis Fowl's crystalline blue eyes filled with tears. His father abused him hourly, his mother was charged with murder (she's pleading insanity), Butler had Parkinson's, Juliet had Alzheimer's, Holly broke up with him yesterday and Mulch had lost his disk. Plus, his lumbago was driving him nuts. Gee, growing up sure is _tough_.

_When you scream I'll fight away all of your fears_

The telephone rang. Artemis screamed like a banshee – he was so absorbed in his tragic little world that the ring startled him into shrieking like someone possessed.

_I held your hand through all of these years_

Artemis picked up the phone. Holly Apparated beside him, and held his hand comfortingly. It was Dr. Poe, who called to inform Artemis that he (Artemis) was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, leukaemia, cancer, malaria, SARS, diabetes and (Insert name of exotic, fatal disease here).

And thus ends the tale of Artemis Fowl II the Dying/Abused/Dumped.

Oh, wait! There's more –

_These wounds won't seem to heal/ this pain is just too real_

Tears spilled out of Artemis' huge, blue eyes. His handsome face wore a pained expression, as though he'd just had his molars extracted _sans anaesthesia. _Artemis rolled up his sleeves, exposing his wrists. He reached for the sharp, gleaming, razor.

And he………..

** IMPORTANT: Underage kids, please click the 'Back' button. Now. I have no desire to be accused of corrupting the _sweet, innocent_ minds of juveniles everywhere. Go read a G-rated fic or something. This one has unsuitable themes**

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**Mature, discerning readers, PROCEED**

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…shaved his head.

**A Tribute to Mary Sues**

Novalee Wintergreen glanced at the clock; it was almost the witching hour. _Just one more page of Phase Equilibrium to go, _she thought drowsily. _Blah, blah, fractional distillation of concentrated Nitric (V) acid, blah, blah, azeotropic mixture…_

And then she fell asleep (Who needs narcotics when you have textbooks?).

She woke up. Her surroundings appeared to be…. familiar. Horribly familiar, I might add. Suddenly, a fat, ugly horse with the torso of a man - oh, I think he's called a 'centaur', trotted up to her. Accompanying him was a pudgy pygmy.

Foaly: You're the Mary Sue, I see. (Sighs) Looks like we've a lot of modifying to do.

Root: (Chews on a mouldy cigar) Exactly, pony. Let's see……..what say, you're actually the hidden daughter of Sauron, a prodigious sorceress whom Artemis falls for?

Novalee's shoulder-length, dead straight hair instantly wove itself into tight, curly locks. Black lipstick painted itself across her scowling lips. Her cardigan and slacks transformed into long, flowing robes made entirely out of scales. The effect was cataclysmic - she looked like a gothic fish.

A sickly-looking dragon waltzed into the scene, started to pick the scales off her dress and wielded it back onto itself. Novalee gave the poor dragon a vicious kick and turned him into barbeque (By the way, she's also a pyro). "I SIMPLY REFUSE TO BE A WITCH! I'm a Muggle, and proud of it!" screamed the enraged girl.

Foaly shook his head with regret. "You and your flaming bright ideas," he snapped at Root. "I KNEW that she wouldn't like it. How 'bout, you become the ex-girlfriend of Butler who was raised by elves? And when you come back into his life, Butler ends up duelling his Principal for your hand?"

Before Novalee could protest, she grew to a height of six-feet-eleven. To her uttermost horror, she 'developed curves in all the right places', her eyes turned purple and her lips blood red.

"OBJECTION!"

"Why?" whined Root and Foaly in unison. They looked oh-so-disappointed that Novalee was dissatisfied.

"Because," seethed the Amazonian girl, "Butler has never been, and will never be my love interest. Ever. Not in the books, not in reality, and certainly not in this story."

"But if you'd let us-" protested Root, but he was interrupted.

"I think, Julius," smiled Foaly, "that I know what she is cut out to be."

Novalee glanced from Foaly to Root in utter disbelief. Her fate depended on those two goons? What baloney! _PLEASE let me wake up from this nightmare!_

"You'll be Holly and Artemis' legitimate daughter – a criminal mastermind with the powers and lifespan of an elf."

Try as she might, Novalee couldn't stop herself from shrinking to Root's height. Worse – her face became deathly white, but the rest of her body remained tanned. As Root and Foaly watched in alarm, Novalee's cranium bulged, and the dome grew into a cone (You know what a gnome's head look like, don't you?). Overall, Version 3 took the cake for Worst Imagination.

"What went wrong?" wailed Foaly in dismay. "Holly's not bad looking, and Artemis might be smart, but his head isn't THAT big! Not physically, if at all!"

Root was equally upset. "It's all YOUR fault, pony!" he moaned. "Don't you even know how to write a proper Mary Sue?!"

Novalee took a few deep breaths. Somebody was going to scream 'Blue murder!' soon. Not her. "WHAT WENT WRONG?!" she shrieked, immediately silencing the both of them. "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WENT WRONG! IN YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS TO CREATE A FLAWLESS CHARACTER, YOU ENDED UP WITH SOMETHING EVERYONE HATES! RING A BELL, ANYONE?!"

And then she woke up, realised that her all-important examination was less than three hours away, and decided that her life was indisputably screwed.

**Cheers!**


	5. Act 5

A/n: It's good to be back…and it's equally great to find that this fandom is still _bursting_ with avant-garde plots. Really, that's why I love coming here. The ingenuity of the plots never fail to leave me speechless. My never-ending fascination aside, I must assure you that none of these were meant to put anyone down. If anything here resembles something that you've written, then please know that I am truly sorry. Otherwise, have fun! 

Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, not even the plots.

**Holly Short: Totally OOC**

Artemis Fowl stared at the monitor, his fingers dancing on the keyboard. The touch pad was already worn, but he showed no sign of deserting his beloved laptop. No, nothing, no one, could make him deviate from his un-named mission.

Or not.

Outside the window, someone was nursing a broken heart.

Dang dang dang!

Artemis sighed. Somehow, something was missing. The not-there plot thickens.

Dang dang dang!

"I don't know…." he said softly, as if to no one in particular. (Fussy nitpickers mutter angrily, that Artemis would NEVER say 'I don't know'.) However, the fact remains that Artemis _knew_ that someone was eavesdropping outside. "These days, loneliness is rampant." (Again, nitpickers curse the author for turning Artemis into a Mills and Boons hero)

Dang dang dang!

Outside, a stunningly pretty babe was kicking her own behind, for letting the pony mind wipe the only male that she had ever love. As usual, she only realised that she liked him once he had no idea who the heck she was.

"I can't take it anymore! Life is too short to be wasted! Love conquers all!" she cries in despair. Insert romance-saturated zen quotes here

Dang dang - The author's dang dang machine breaks.

With her eyes wide open, Holly smashed her way into his bedroom, oblivious to the shards of glass that penetrated her body.

Artemis: Oh, Holly, why must you be so stupid?

Holly: I came to see you, you ungrateful Mud Boy!

Artemis: I am deeply sorry, but the thing is, you are being utterly irrational. You could've come in through the door, but you chose to shoot through the window instead.

Holly: Don't leave, Artemis! I'm dying in here!

Artemis: I am sorry. But fairies and humans cannot be together.

Readers mutter profanities at the screen, and yell for a thunderbolt to strike the author

**Holly/ Root: The Shakespeare Way**

He was a middle-aged superior. She was a sweet young thing. They were as different as night and day.

Readers: (Instinctively realise where this is going) Stay away from her! She's Artemis'!!

Author: Shut up. This is fan fiction. If I wanna do it my way, I do it MY way. You hate it, you don't read it. Oh yeah, but you must leave me a review, anyhow. ß-Most clichéd line, ever.

Holly: Commander…I…

Root: Short, I know that I have been too hard on you….

Holly: Oh, but it's for my own good! I know you mean well. I know you do!

Root: I guess it's because I know that you have it in you.

Holly: Oh, Commander…

Root: Oh, Holly….

Arty/ Holly shippers: Ewwwww!!!!!

However, to give this cliché a twist, Vinyaya drops by and catches the two of them, uh, _holding hands_.

Vinyaya: (Kills Holly) If I can't have him, nobody can!

Root: (Crying) You killed the woman I loved! (Drinks instant poison)

Actually, Holly isn't dead yet. Vinyaya was only using a shock gun, and she was practising her lines for a play.

Holly: (Wakes up) Oh, Root, Root! Where art thou? Alas! How can you be so cruel, to leave me here alone? Perhaps there is some poison left on your lips…

She kisses him and dies.

Arty/Holly shippers: I TOLD you that it wouldn't work out!

****

**Artemis Fowl: El Estupido**

It was a beautiful day. No, it was a dark and stormy night. No, it was spring, with the birds singing. No, it was (insert whatever clichéd beginning you can think of in here).

Anyway,

Nothing could compare to the glorious fact that Artemis was grinning. He was happy, and it was all that mattered.

Root: Why is that infidel smiling?! Pony, I want him miserable!

Foaly: Julius, I'm afraid that the mind wipe has wiped out more than his memory. He's now…. stupid.

Holly: Give him back his memories! I can't get paired up with an idiot!

(Actually, the author was planning to take this clichéd fic to 'greater heights' by dealing with 'deeper issues' on neurology and human behaviour, but due to her fickle mind, she was swayed by reviewers, who demanded more Art/Holly scenes)

Elsewhere…

Butler: (Somewhat exasperatedly) Master Artemis, you are drooling!

Artemis: Wahahahaha!

Everyone: Shudders

Anyway, to finish this off with a good 'ol clichéd ending, Foaly asked his relative, Firenze, to ask Dumbledore for some un-named Potion. Dumbledore was busy, so he ordered Snape to make the 'Intelligence Potion'. Snape, who was dealing with lunacy, ordered Neville Longbottom to brew the potion, which led to seriously devastating consequences.

But, but, but.

As this story is a clichéd, the ending is good. The potion, although screwed by Neville, did its job. Not only that – Artemis was also transformed into a fairy, and 10 years later, he had wings and 7 kids. We all know who his wife is, right?

**Artemis Fowl: Welcome To Fowl Hotel! Enjoy Your Stay! Mary Sues Get 50 Off-**

As usual, Artemis was plotting. The author was too lazy to come up with a half-original storyline, so she skipped right to the so-called climax.

Butler: There's a girl at the front door, Master Artemis.

Artemis: Invite her in, old friend. Where are your manners?

Marylianna: Oh, valiant warrior! I am being pursued by wargs, Death Eaters, predators, aliens, and Mary Sue bashers!

Artemis: You can stay at Fowl Manor for the time being. Talks as if he'd memorised a script

Marylianna: What? Oh, jewel among pebbles! You are but a kind-hearted ma-

Artemis: No, really. You're always welcomed. Talks as if he had uttered that line a million times

Marylianna: How can this worthless servant ever repay you?

Butler: (Gently leads Marylianna away from the weary Artemis) Miss, you must understand, Fowl Manor sees many young ladies every single day. Do not take this the wrong way, but you aren't a special case.

Marylianna: But-

Butler: (Kindly voice) You see, every hour or so, a stunning young lady will drop by. If Artemis were lucky, she would stop herself from proclaiming her undying love for him in time. In fact, you're the 1000th visitor to Fowl Manor. Congratulations.

Marylianna: But-

Butler: It has to happen, you know. The author decides to write a romance-genre fic, and what better way to introduce an OC than by shoving her into Fowl Manor, with the excuse that 'she has nowhere to go?'

Marylianna: Hmph! As a matter of fact, I-

Butler: We've arrived at the common room. Remember, no bothering Artemis.

Inside the vast room…

Kasperlianna: WHAT?! ANOTHER ONE??!!

However, the author must be commended for not mentioning Holly at all.

**A/n: **It is great to know that I am actually running out of clichés. Perhaps this fandom is now saturated with originality. Perhaps I do not have the time to sieve for clichés. You, yes, you, the person reading this unnecessary author's note, if you have a clichéd on your mind, let it out. Even better – come up with your _own_ clichés compendium; I'll be more than willing to support any anti-clichés crusader. Cheers!


	6. Act 6

A/n: Yes, another installation! Not that I hate this fandom, mind you. In fact, I have some pretty high respect for some of the authors here, and I take my hat off to them for the wonderful job that they've done. As usual, I'm terribly sorry if you see your stories being parodied here. Please know that if you're reading this story, and going, "Oh, man! What's MY story doing here!" then it was truly unintentional. The only stories that I poke fun at directly are mine, but other than that, have fun!

* * *

**Artemis Fowl: Attack of the clones**

Artemis looks into Holly's stunning purple eyes (actually, she has hazel eyes but she's wearing contacts for the sake of looking like some mutant). He bends lower to meet her face. Unsurprisingly, he failed to plant his lips on hers—she is too short. So he bends lower and lower and lower until he's curled like a pretzel…..

But the highly desired mushy scene does not come.

Suddenly, the author decides that she doesn't want to write another hackneyed love story (good for her, not good for Arty/Holly fanatics). Hence, Arty suddenly realised that he had forgotten the MAIN mission of the day—completing his latest invention.

Artemis: I'm sorry, Captain Short, eh, Holly, but we cannot do this. I must not let love interfere with my job. (Eyes her longingly, but maintains emotionless voice.)

Holly: I understand, Mud Boy, eh, Artemis. But just so that you know, I—(Insert the usual love proclamations here).

Anyway, after this tear-jerking scene, Artemis returns to his room to work on his cloning machine. He has no idea why an individualist like himself would want to create another guy who'd compete with him for everything (including Captain Short, of course), but as the author thinks that it's a great idea for Arty to clone himself, he does it anyway.

Artemis III: Oh my gosh! We're like, twins or something! Huggies!

Artemis II: (Has a horrible feeling that he screwed up in the personality section) State your name, clone. I'm Artemis II, your creator.

Artemis III: I'm your clone? That's like,_ so_ cool!

(Sings) May I have your attention please?  
May I have your attention please?  
Will the real Art Fowly please stand up?  
I repeat, will the real Art Fowly please stand up?  
We're gonna have a problem here

Artemis II: It's Artemis Fowl, imbecile!

Artemis III: (Sings) I'm Art Fowly, yes I'm the real Arty.

All you other Arties are just imitating

Artemis II: That's my line, clone! What's the matter with you? It can't be the wirings….

Artemis III: (Takes out huge gun from his pocket) I'm Art Fowly, yes I'm the real Arty, and there'll only be one Arty….

Artemis II: BUT—(Gunshot is heard. You know what happened)

Angeline: (Rushes into the room) What happened, Arty? I thought I heard something.

Artemis II (Previously Artemis III, but he inherited the title from his unwilling predecessor): Nothing, mama. Just cleaning out my closet.

THE END

**Elevator Scene**

Summary: The elevator was invented for more than one reason.

Artemis: What's wrong with you, Butler? Why aren't you entering the elevator with me?

Butler: Suddenly, I've developed a phobia of elevators. Go on, I'll meet you up there. Bye!

Artemis: Strange. Very strange.

He appears to be the only person in it. As he waits, Artemis hears a tiny cough.

Artemis: (Pirouettes around) Who goes there!

Silence.

Artemis: Reveal yourself, invisible foe! And fight my bodyguard later like a man!

A shimmer in the air. A faint scent of feminine cologne.

Holly: Don't look at me like that, Fowl. I was assigned to keep an eye on you. Fowl Watch.

Artemis: I see. I shall thank them letting you volunteer for it.

Predictably, the elevator stopped moving. They were trapped in the most romantic spot ever.

Holly: (Panics) What is this? Fix it, wonder boy! Now!

Artemis: (Ignores the emergency button) I'm afraid that I lack the tools, if not the expertise, Holly. But since we're here…shall I compare you to a summer's day?

Holly: No. Why?

Artemis: Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, but summer's lease hath-

Holly: Cut the crap, Mud Boy. (She tries to hit him on the face, but he catches her hand with lightning reflexes that aren't supposed to exist. They stare into each other's eyes)

(Insert ultra mushy scene here. Atheists reach for barf bags.)

THE END

**Opal Deception**

Imagine the usual stormy night. Arty hasn't regained his memories yet. Suddenly, Opal Koboi shows up.

Opal: You caused me my freedom, Fowl! Prepare to die!

Artemis: (Mouth drops open) Who in the name of (insert some philosopher/scientist/wizard/supreme being's name) are you? BUTLER!

Opal: (Laughs disparagingly) Faking stupidity, Fowl? Nice technique, but no cigar. I shall kill you slowly and painfully and humiliatingly. Then I'll skin you and hang your head and burn your Armani… (Does not do any of the aforementioned. Instead, she yatters and rattles on like the typical moronic villains who loves to fill their victims in on how they're planning to execute their plan, thus giving Butler ample time to show up with a polished gun)

Butler: You shall not take him, foul demon. _Not today_. (The glint in his eye is worthy of an Oscar statue)

Opal: You dare challenge me, Mud Ape? I have legions of ex-boyfriends at my service, who're all willing to die for my sake!

Butler: I bet my Artemis has more girlfriends than you. Not to mention the fangirls who're willing to die for _his_ sake.

Opal: HE DOES NOT! I have 1098761 pixies/centaurs/dwarves/imps/whatever in my army! All my ex-boyfriends!

Butler: Artemis has the same number as you! I can't believe you tied….

Opal: That means I win. Fowl, prepare to die.

Mulch: (Suddenly shows up) Actually, Koboi, you lost. Arty has one extra, newly-acquired admirer.

Everyone: (Automatically thinks of Captain Short.)

Mulch: Me.

Epilogue:

Opal realises that, in a weird way, she had won after all. She leaves the Manor feeling utterly satisfied—the look on Fowl's face was priceless.

THE END

…for now.


	7. Act 7

A/N: The following are some stories that I write as a tribute to my…_fondness_ for this delightful fandom. They're all original creations, and if you happen to see anything here that resembles yours in any way, any way at all, then I am truly sorry. Otherwise, have fun!

Instant-messaging 

_Artemis: It's been a while since our last 'correspondence'. Are you suffering from…should I say, 'Work Preoccupation', lately?_

_Holly: How unlike you to ask the obvious. Of course I've been busy! I'm busy, Mulch's busy, the criminals are busy…everyone's busy. _

_Artemis: I beg to differ. I am not 'asking the obvious'. There could be hundreds of thousands of possibilities as to why you aren't replying my mails. You could be grievously ill. You could be on a holiday. You could be indulging in sloth. Do you want me to list down every possible scenario?_

_Holly: Do you _want _to, Mud Boy?_

_Artemis: Haha, actually, I don't. And I've noticed that you've reverted to calling me by the sobriquet, 'Mud Boy'._

_Holly: How observant of you. SO?_

_Artemis: That means that you're annoyed. _

_Holly: Once again, SO? No, forget it. Mulch just IMPed me. We've got a case. Gotta run. _

_Artemis: Goodbye, Holly._

_(The message "Goodbye, Holly" cannot be delivered as the recipient has left the conversation.)_

Artemis closes the chat window with tears streaming down his cheeks. Online, he manages a cool, composed façade, but the moment Holly leaves, he regresses to depression. He isn't seeing her as often as he'd love to, and what's worse, she doesn't even know that he (gasp) has a crush on her! The biggest one yet. _OMG._

For the first time in his short, short life, Artemis is lost. He confides in Butler. "You'll be fine, Artemis," gasps Butler as he coughs painfully, clutching his chest. "I know you will be." Butler is dying.

Artemis, however, is wearing a mournful expression on his face and fails to see that Butler is at the brink of death. "But she doesn't like me," he whines sadly. "She likes Trouble. I know it."

Butler's eyes roll madly, and he struggles for his last breath. "She…doesn't," he manages to choke out.

For the first time, Artemis notices that Butler is dying. He hurries over. "She doesn't?" he squeaks. "Butler, don't die on me! I need to know!"

Butler has a million things to say, such as, "Please take care of my sister," and "You have always been more than a principle to me, Artemis," and "Tell Madam Ko to give Juliet the blue diamond or I'll come back and haunt her", but because Artemis is looking so lovesick, his last words are reduced to, "She loves _you,_ dammit!"

Artemis cries over Butler's death, but one wonders why he's wearing the inane smile on his face. Suddenly, Holly appears. She revives Butler, who cleverly understood that his screen time is over.

Butler: I need to use the bathroom. Goodbye, everyone!

Readers: SHADDUP, Domovoi!

Artemis: Is it true? You really love me?

Holly: (Tears her eyes away from his crystalline blue orbs) I have a confession. Actually, I haven't been busy. I was just staying away from the computer, trying to get my mind off you.

Artemis: Did it work?

Holly: No. I still love you, Arty. I always have. I thought that if we didn't see each other, I would forget you, but…

Artemis: And I always knew that you'll come for me, Captain Short, eh, Holly.

(Insert ultra touching scene here. Rating shoots straight to 'M'. Younger readers are kindly advised to stop reading at this point.)

And everyone lives happily ever after, till the end of their days.

oooooo

Return of the Obsessed Fan 

A/N: I M V3RI ANGRI. NO1 GAV3 M3 ANY R3VIEWS. HOW CAN U B sooooooo cruel!111 dun u knoe dat i neeeeeed reviews 2 go on/ uwaaaaa!1111!11

But since I soooo nice, i will continueing dis stori anyway!11111

A/N AGAIN: dis stori is AU bcoz i dun wanna beetroot 2 dieeee!1111!1 hes so super sixy!11 oopsie wad am I saying/ hes nothing NOTHING compare 2 muh arty!111 OMGWTFBBQ arty is soooo hottttttt!1111

a/n again: i lied actuali i got 10 revies but I dun consider dem reviews becoz they are flamies…boo-hoo! I got sumthin 2 say 2 my flamers.

ConcernedReviewer89: U R C2PID!1111 so **WAD** if I think dat arty is a superhottie/1!1 he is he is he is he is! He is hotter than Draco Malfoy and legolas! He is mine, all MINE! U asked me 2 see a psikiatrist but I WONT! MUAHAHAHAHA

GrammarGuru: ooohhh, who r u 2 say dat my grammer sux? U r my mother izzit? U r my father? No? then kindly SHADDUP!

AurumEstPotestas91: yeah I have a life. Yeah I am sane. Y did u ask/

Crickshot: no I am not 5. i am older. Y?

Ashley1972: y is it imposibal 4 arty to smoke a cigar8te? Dis is fan fiction and EVERYTHING is possibal!11 y r u so stupid? U dun understanf de meanin of fan fiction or what!1

And to every1 else…

I HATE U ALL!111111 (but u still must give me review for my stori. NICE REVIEWIES)

A/N: oopsie, I forgot 2 write a stori…dis chappie is autor notes only…dun report me okies!111 pleeeeassse/

PS: arty is the hottest smartest sexiest coolest guy dat ever live….and he is MINE!111 BUAHAHAHAHA!11111!1

PSS: to diagonist, OMG I saw my stori in ur parody konpindium. Plz take it offff!111 if u dun I will sue u for plag…plagarice…oh dammit! I will sue u for copying me!1111


	8. Act 8

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. The characters belong to Eoin Colfer. The plots belong to everyone.

A/n: I never parody anything but my own fics. If you see anything here that resembles something that you've written, then I am truly sorry. Otherwise, enjoy!

* * *

**Vampiric Artemis**

One day, Artemis accompanies Butler to some random medical check-up and receives more than a bill. While waiting for Butler to return from the bathroom, Artemis finds himself accosted by a nurse. The nurse is concerned about his unusually pale complexion, and suggests that he undergo some X-rays of some sort to find out what exactly was wrong with his (author inserts some random bio-ish terms that sound bombastic, but makes no sense. Ex: To find out what was wrong with his neurotransmitters/what-have-yous)

Readers: That's silly! What does paleness have got to do with X-rays?

Author: Shut up. You're interfering with my logic!

Anyway, the nurse suddenly decides that Artemis should take a blood test, because they X-ray rooms are full. But suddenly….

Nurse: This is strange. You….you have no blood!

Artemis: (Fixes his hypnotic blue eyes on the nurse) I told you not to subject me to your tests. Now, you must suffer the consequences.

Suddenly, Holly Short enters and sees Artemis biting the nurse's neck.

Holly: Oh Frond!

Artemis: Holly, I beg you to stop looking at me as though I am a blood-sucking monster. I pray that you never have to see me like this.

Holly: Oh, Artemis….(starts bawling as she realises that her hopes of riding into the glorious sunset with him are now dashed. Unless he's slathered in sun block, that is.)

Artemis: This doesn't change anything. Holly, deep down inside, you know how I feel. (Insert mushy, cryptic, angsty dialog here)

Holly: About what? (Acts dumb)

Suddenly, the clock strikes midnight. Artemis's eyes turn purple. If he doesn't kill soon, he'll die. Holly decides to sacrifice herself, and in typical dramatic manner, he bites her.

Artemis: I….I feel blood rushing through my veins! Holly, eh, ex-Captain Short, I am cured! I am human again!

Holly: I think the magic in my blood cured you, Mud Boy, eh, Artemis…

And they both ride off into the glorious sunset and live happily ever after.

**Artemis the Saint**

It's another wondrous day. Female elves are distributing gold to the not-so-poor (albeit rather allegedly good-looking) folks, centaurs are baffling everyone with tech-speak, fathers are spewing moral-laden quotes and Artemis is busy plotting.

Except, of course, that no matter how evil his dastard plans are, they share one thing in common: to promote Artemis as an angsty young man with a good heart but was forced to do evil deeds.

Artemis: I'm sick and tired of being romanticized. You know how it goes – when people start sanitizing everything you say and do, and make you out to be a squeaky clean role model, the rebellious side of you will be impelled to prove them wrong. In my hand, I have a HMX-6754. If the red button is pushed, the world will blow up.

Readers: He wouldn't! _Holly's _in this world, for Pete's sake!

Artemis pushes the red button. However, everything ends nicely for Artemis because he had created an alternate planet to live on, just in case the original earth happened to blow up.

Readers: He was forced to do that! He had no choice! Arty is just misunderstood…he's actually very courageous, caring and he's just lonely. We blame the parents. (Rush off to write fanfictions which depict Artemis as a troubled teen with a big heart, and glorify his actions through sympathy-inducing stories)

**Gold! Obsessed! Artemis**

_When he was two years old….._

Angeline: Oooh, ickle Artykins, yoo knowie wad dee mostie bea-yoo-tee-fool thingie shouldie be? (Translation: Oh, Artemis, do you know what the most beautiful thing should be?)

Artemis: (Reaches a tiny hand towards his mother)

Everyone: Awwww……

His hand closes on the locket hanging from her neck. A locket made of gold.

_When he entered kindergarten…._

Miss Mary: (Phoney bright voice) Class, today you will be painting a picture of something that you think is beautiful. It can be anything or anyone, and later, you can show it to your mother! Isn't this _exciting_?

Random girl in pigtails: I want to paint Snow White, Miss Mary!

Random boy with freckles: Girls are dumb! I want to paint the aeroplane daddy gave me.

Miss Mary: You're so silent, Artemis. Isn't there something that you would like to paint? A flower, perhaps?

Artemis: There is. Unfortunately, the set of substandard paints provided does not have the appropriate colour that will do it justice. Hence, I shall resume reading _War and Peace_, and you will not find me the least bit obstreperous.

Miss Mary: (After flipping through the dictionary) Why don't you try telling me what it is that you want to paint? I'm sure I can help you out…

Artemis: (Produces a mirror and hands it to Miss Mary) Please look into the mirror and smile, Miss Mary.

Everyone: Awww….

Miss Mary wipes a tear from her eye and looks into the mirror. _Perhaps,_ she thought, _there's hope for him yet_. She smiles. Her gold tooth glints.

_Now, at fifteen….._

Artemis goes on a random mission with Holly. Butler tags along, but his presence is negligible. Suddenly, at the climax, Artemis is shot, and the wound is fatal. Holly discovers that her magic is all used up, and her emergency acorn in lost. This has got to be the worst-case scenario.

Artemis: I can't hold on any longer, Captain Short, eh, Holly…(Note: Holly is no longer 'Captain' after TOD. Readers forget this fact, as they are too engrossed in the much-recycled plot)

Holly: (Voice thick with tears) Mud Boy, you can't die! Please promise me that you'll live…

Logical cynic: Yeah RIGHT.

Arty/Holly fans: Of COURSE he'll live! He must! Right? Right?

Artemis: (Turns away painfully) I…

Butler-cum-interpreter: Actually, Artemis means to say that he likes you very much, and if it weren't for the fact that he's dying, he'd confess his feelings and you'd both live happily ever after.

Readers: Oh, we forgot Arty and Holly aren't the only characters in the book!

Holly: (Tears streaming down) I once asked you what the most beautiful thing in the world is. What is it, Artemis? Just tell me, and I swear to give it to you before you die.

Artemis: Your……gold…. (Dies)

Holly: WHAT! Even at times like this, you're still obsessed about gold? You're unbelievable!

Butler-cum-interpreter: Actually, Artemis means to say 'Your golden heart'. He always thought that that was the most beautiful thing in the universe, and beyond.

Holly: ARTEMIS! (Insert tragic, heartbreaking scene here. Lots of angst, tears and self-hating)

Anyway, Mulch suddenly shows up with an acorn and a pot of earth. Holly plants the acorn, and in no time, regains her magic. She resurrects Artemis, and miraculously, he suffers from no side effects. Needless to say, they both live happily ever after, till the end of their days.

* * *

**Ahem. Long live originality.  
**


End file.
